A bit of a different blog post today, but a blog post nonetheless. I haven’t written anything since the 6th of September and here is a somewhat cryptic explanation of one of the (many) reasons why . . .
I want to enjoy new relationships without the constant worry that it’s all going to go to shit, without being on edge each and every moment that I spend with them.
I will spend days, weeks even, excited to see them, full of ideas about what I will say and do. Simple things like, I will go to them and give them a hug and a kiss when I first see them, I will compliment them, I will allow myself to have fun . . . then, when the day finally comes I am a ball of anxiety. I won’t kiss them or hug them because of my sudden fear that they will reject me, I won’t compliment them in fear that I sound obsessive or needy, I will not allow myself to enjoy a single moment with the person I have been counting down the days to see – I spend every second that I should be enjoying life, inside my own confusing, lonely and tormented mind. I will allow my negative thoughts to control every decision that I make, to the point that when they leave, I am disappointed in myself, I hate myself and I will have convinced myself that this is just how I am and I will probably never find love.
The way I portray myself to dates is not the real me. I just want to be myself, however, I appear to have reached a point in life where I do not know who I am. Where do I go from here? After over three years of being single, I thought I would have learned how to be alone. I miss love, but I do not miss the heartbreak that comes along with it. Unfortunately, I tend to create my own heartbreak. I severely cannot be arsed with it anymore . . . So, I will begin to love myself. I will remind myself to just FUCK IT. Because we are born alone and we die alone, but life offers us the chance to fall in love and true love only arises when we are loved for being ourselves . . . So if we want to make the most of these moments of true love in life. Find yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself.