I don’t know why, but I found this one so difficult. I had lots of ideas and I wrote four different versions. I didn’t like a single one of them, but since it has taken me over a week to post, I figured I should kiss my silly pride goodbye and go for it.
Write about a confession you wish you never made.
I had hoped that night would be different. Dating and having alopecia can be difficult. I had been on dates where guys had laughed at it or had even been repulsed by it. But that night I was meeting Edward. He was my first love. We got together when we were 17, but we were young and stupid. The honeymoon period lasted 2 years and as soon as adulthood began and we had to learn how to live in the real world, the arguments started and we were just too immature to make it work. We had always stayed friends and kept in contact and in the seven years we have been separated we have both had different partners, but I had thought we had always loved each other.
Edward had been in Canada for 5 years working with his Dad and even though he was on the other side of the world, I never stopped thinking about him. I was so happy when I saw that he was home on Facebook and even happier when he had sent me a message asking if I wanted to go for dinner with him. That afternoon, I spent the longest amount of time getting ready since I was a teenage girl getting ready for my first date with him. I wasn’t as nervous as I had been on other dates, I wish I had known then that the night wasn’t going to go as I hoped.
6pm on the dot and Edward was outside in his Grandad’s old Porsche, the one I remember spending a weekend helping him fix the engine on eight years ago. When I saw him and the car, so many memories came back, it was as if we had only ever shared good times – in moments like that, you never remember that bad times. In the car on the way to the restaurant, we talked as if no time had ever passed between us and occasionally he would look at me and smile, just like he used to, in the way that makes you feel like life is wonderful.
At dinner, Edward was a gentleman in every way and being with him was easy. I wasn’t paranoid about eating giant mouthfuls of carbonara in front of him. He had seen it all before. We talked about his time in Canada, about my new promotion and then we spoke about how much we had missed each other. He reached his arm across the table and looking into my eyes, he took my hand and said, “You were my first love and you are my only love. There has only ever been you.” I had wanted to hear those words since the day we broke up.
“I have always loved you too.” I said with a tear rolling down my cheek, “But I want to show you something before we say anything else.” I thought I knew that he wouldn’t care. I thought I knew that he loved me, for me. I moved my hair to reveal one of my larger bald patches, “I have alopecia areata. It’s where my hair falls out in clumps. I don’t know if I am going to lose more or if it is all going to grow back, it has changed me. I am not as confident as I used to be, but I am starting to understand that hair isn’t important. Sometimes I get quite emotional about it. I just thought you should know.”
The look on his face had changed from adoration to a punchable smirk. He always did have a funny sense of humor, but this wasn’t funny. This was my life, my confidence and I thought of all of the guys in the world, he would have been the one to understand me. He broke the silence saying, “Isn’t alopecia caused by stress?”
“It can be” I replied firmly, “but it is different for everyone. Sometimes people don’t know why it happens. But yes, I do get anxiety and have suffered from depression.”
“I have had exes with mental health issues. Seems to be an attention thing most of the time. I can’t deal with someone having a breakdown on me again. I am sorry about your hair and everything, but I am not the one to fix you.” He said in the most arrogant way I have ever heard anyone speak. I didn’t want someone to fix me. That stupid guy couldn’t see that I just wanted to love him, I was asking for nothing from him, I had only ever wanted to make his day, to make him happy… but he didn’t want the same from me. He wanted to BE loved, by a trophy girlfriend (with a full head of hair) and an easy relationship. Relationships are not easy.
I got up from the table without saying a word. Nor did he. I don’t wish that I hadn’t told him about my alopecia. I wish that I hadn’t confessed my love for him. A person as shallow as him doesn’t deserve to be loved. Beauty really, really is inside. If I didn’t get alopecia, I could be with Edward now… and that would not have ended well. So thank you alopecia and f**k you, Edward.